Spring has sprung and we are off and running with activities and projects. There is always something to do. Usually so many things to do that some things keep getting put off to another day. But life is great and we are super blessed so I am certainly not complaining.
I felt very spoiled on Mother’s Day with a yummy breakfast made just for me. Strawberry/cream cheese stuffed french toast, juice and coffee. It was a great day spent relaxing for me but the troops worked their tails off cleaning the house.
  
The kids are playing in a homeschool softball league and are on the same team. Toby is quite the ball player but Lilly is holding her own and has surprised us all with her determination and ability. Just look at that face when she is hitting!
While planting the last few things in the garden today I was surprised by a little visitor. The trellis above is just inside the garden gate and my clematis covers it really well. So well that a little chipping sparrow has decided to make it’s nest inside it. It’s right at kid’s eye level so what fun that will be to sneak peaks of little baby sparrows soon!
  
The garden is in varying stages of growth. I have been planting off and on for a few weeks but everything is officially in as of today. Come on rain! I got a little crazy with green beans this year but I’m hoping to can a lot of them. Also looking forward to lots of tomatoes, green and jalapeno peppers, carrots, lettuce, radishes, basil, oregano, parsley, butternut squash, cantaloupe, zucchini, and I’m sure I forgot something. After a wash of a year last year, I am hoping to catch up with canning again and get a good stock for the year.
It makes me so happy to see the fruit of my labor. I have moved a lot of perennials around in the past several years and things are really taking off. I love that I don’t have to do a lot of maintenance in most of my flower gardens anymore.
Raspberries and rhubarb are coming along great! I have already picked a lot of rhubarb and gave most of it away. I should get a couple more cuttings though this year.
I am pleasantly surprised to see a grape vine that made it growing up the garden arbor. I planted 4 of them 2 years ago and only 1 has made it this far.
 
Of course, when I see pink, I think of Sophia. So pink geraniums adorn our front step this year.
I am so thankful for the sunshine and warmer weather. I feel like I am getting the wind back in my sails a bit and have found some of my old motivation again. Although I still get frustrated with my absent-mindedness, I feel good most days.
With a life like this, what’s not to feel good about?
“Amen, amen, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains just a grain of wheat; but if it dies, it produces much fruit.”
John 12: 24
 ~Maria
This stuff is too good to forget, so I’ve been taking notes! Our little budding theologian has had a lot to say lately. I can hardly believe he is preparing to enter his last year in the single digits! What an amazing young man he is becoming. I love that he is so comfortable in his own skin.
::We were chatting one day about what he was thinking about doing when he grows up. He said he wasn’t sure if he would get married or not. He then went on to say that “I probably will get married, because she will be just like you and she can tell me not to eat too many sweets all the time, like you have to tell Dad.”
::During prayers one evening he had given thanks for being homeschooled. After prayers were done he followed up with, “If everyone in the world would homeschool their kids, the world would be a better place!”
::Frequently tells me how much he loves spending time with his family and being together every day.
::Talking to Lilly about making First Communion he explained, “The bread and wine taste SO much better after they are consecrated! They taste like….LIFE!”
::Talking to sister about going to Confession: ”You’ll be nervous the first time you go but then once you know what it’s like you won’t get so nervous after that because you will know how awesome it feels to go!”
::Is rarely without his face in a book throughout the day. An avid reader, he loves historical fiction, mysteries, and a good book of jokes once in a while.
::Getting out of the van at the library, “MOM! I have to save that worm!” before he grabs said worm from the parking lot puddle and takes it carefully to the grass to release it into freedom.
::Frequently says an entire rosary in bed at night, by himself. (seriously, I don’t think I ever even knew how to do that until I was an adult!) This new pillowcase certainly helps though:
::Overheard talking to Lilly, “You gotta quit worrying about what other people think of you. If you feel like dancing, you just dance! Like at softball the other night, something made me feel like doing a little jig, so I did it! At least one kid looked at me weird but I just waved at him and finished my dance.”
::Took it upon himself to write out the entire Prayer of St. Francis of Assissi, just for fun and because it is his favorite.
::Recently committed to reading the Bible every morning when he wakes up after telling me, “I really want to read the whole book of Matthew because it just has the best stuff in it.”
::He frequently prays for other people to come to know “how awesome Jesus is.”
::Proclaims, “I can’t imagine living life without knowing about and following God. That would be so hard!”
All I know is, he certainly “gets it” a whole lot more than I did at the ripe age of 8! What a blessing he is.
~Maria
In light of my last 2 posts I feel the need to clear the air a bit.
When I read blogs I sort of get an overall picture of the person writing it. In general I tend to read ones about homeschooling, homesteading, parenting, and faith. In reading those blogs, I often have to remind myself that what I see is only a snippet of that person’s life. Just because it looks like they are the perfect mom, the perfect wife, saintly people who never have anything but beautiful things to say and families who fit perfectly into that mold, does not mean that is truly the case. Most often, it’s not even close.
A blog can only show so much.
So please remember that when you read my ramblings here. You are only seeing a small snippet of life as I know it. When I write something sad and share my innermost feelings, that doesn’t mean that my entire day is centered around being depressed. It just means that I need to unload some things so that I can embrace the joy in my life and rejoice in the little things. It just means that I am human. It does not mean that I am just sitting around here crying my eyes out all day. That is SO far from the truth. Anyone who knows me in person and sees me often knows that is not the case.
My purpose in blogging is to capture all of these thoughts and feelings that make me who I am right now. I hope that in sharing the good, bad, and the ugly, that other people will know that I am just a “normal” person who happens to being grieving the loss of her baby. I hope that people can relate in some way and maybe find some comfort in knowing that they are not alone. That other people have sadness too and are able to overcome it and still live life to the fullest. I also plan to print this all into a book to share with our kids someday. As they grow and mature, they will deal with the loss of Sophia in many different ways. I think it will be good for them to read my thoughts and experiences later in life when they are able to comprehend it as adults.
While I totally appreciate your concerns, thoughts, and prayers, I do not write to make people feel sorry for me, to pity me, or to raise concern. But in sharing things here I realize that I make myself vulnerable to the world. It’s a weird place to be, but it’s also very humbling. I really think that it is all part of the refining process that God is allowing me to go through right now so that I can grow even closer to Him.
“And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.” 1 Peter 5:10
We have an amazing life. Even though there are moments that knock me off my feet, I always get back up. The good always outweigh the bad. When I wake every single morning, my very first thought is to thank God for this life, the one with the trials and the pain, the one with so many blessings.
God is good and faithful always, even when we turn against Him. But being in the light of His grace is nothing short of amazing. We are so blessed and I am living my dream. Of course I wish Sophia was here with us too, but as Mark recently reminded me, we have 3 out of 5 kids in Heaven already. Those are pretty good numbers! What a beautiful reunion that will be someday. Until then though, I have a lot of living to do, and I don’t intend to miss out on any of it.
So thanks for taking this ride with us. We are so grateful for our friends and family and the many people we continue to meet and get to know because of our experience. As we travel along the ups and downs, twists and turns, remember that it all works out for good in the end for those who choose Him.
~Maria
Even though 9 months have passed since we had/lost Sophia, I still have no idea what I am doing. I still don’t understand how to do this. I struggle with knowing where to go from here. I struggle with knowing just how much people want to hear about her, or how little. I struggle with going on like business as usual.
Some days are better than others but I still constantly struggle with feeling unsettled. This unsettled feeling has just made itself at home in my heart and doesn’t seem to be leaving anytime soon. This feeling that something is missing in my day just eats at me.
Sometimes I watch her ultrasound videos of that little heart beating away, her squirming all around, and her chin-quivering yawns, and still can’t believe it’s true.
Physically, things look “normal” but inside I still feel raw.
The kids broke a wish bone recently and the teary-eyed little girl who got the smaller piece cried out, “My wish will NEVER come true!” She then went on to exclaim that she has been wishing and praying that I would have a baby because she really wants a baby in our family. She really wants to be a big sister.
It is so difficult to comfort her, knowing that I wish and pray for the same thing. Knowing that she feels cheated too.
Knowing that it really just isn’t fair.
I struggle with answering simple questions like, “How are you?” Sometimes I really just want to tell the truth but I imagine that the person asking probably really doesn’t want to hear all of that.
I hurt. I am not OK. My baby died inside my womb. I never got to see her take a breath or even just move. I gave birth to an empty vessel, a tiny, still body, an angel. My heart is still broken. I had to bury my child! Mark and I already have our cemetery plots! I miss her like crazy. I want to have more kids but the clock is ticking and my body isn’t cooperating. I feel like a failure. I hate this reality. I miss being pregnant.
 {July 2, 2012}
I also know, it could be worse. As any mother, I worry. But at least for her, I don’t need to stress over her safety and comfort. I know where she is and how wonderful her life will always be and that gives me great comfort.
But please excuse me if I seem like a turtle with her head tucked deep inside her shell. Sometimes it’s just scary to peek out there and face the world around me knowing that a part of me is gone and always will be.
Please be patient with me when I don’t have words to join in a conversation but also when I say too much.
Please be sensitive to the fact that it is hard for me to get out of bed some days and even when I do, I long to crawl back in.
Please understand that I don’t mean to forget things all the time, I just can’t seem to keep it all together any more.
Please allow me to cry and be sad and please don’t feel like you have to cheer me up, but don’t judge me when I laugh deeply and feel true joy either.
Please continue to ask how I am doing, how we are doing. And if you can handle it, please wait and let me know that it’s ok to say what I really want to.
Please don’t think that I should be moving on and getting over it. That will never happen.
Please give me permission to figure out how to do this in whatever way I can.
Please don’t assume things.
Please continue to pray for us.
“You formed my inmost being;
you knit me in my mother’s womb.
I praise you, because I am wonderfully made;
wonderful are your works!”
Psalm 139: 13-14
~Maria
Retail therapy is something I have never had a need for. In fact, shopping stresses me out more!
Now dirt therapy? That’s my kind of day!
Weeding the garden after a good soaking rain is something I thoroughly enjoy. Having my little tom-boy and our hens right along side me makes it even better.
 
The garden beds are just about ready for planting! The strawberries have been uncovered and the raspberry bushes thinned out.
Rhubarb from my grandma’s homestead is going strong and has started making its appearance.
And then there’s this guy(or girl):
Hence the need for dirt therapy. He’s been wreaking havoc on the neighborhood chickens and we have all had just about enough.
~Maria
Dear Sophia,
My sweet, baby girl, I miss you so much. It seems like just when I’ve come to grips with the fact that you are not here with us, another milestone comes up and it just makes me mad and sad all over again. Not mad at you. Just mad because I am selfish and sad because I never got to see you take a breath, or smile, or feel you grip my finger, smell your sweet baby breath, or nurse you.
We all get a little confused sometimes when we try to figure out if you would be 9 months now because of when you were born or if you would be 6 months now because of when you were supposed to be born. Insignificant details, I know, especially when you are where you are.
Sometimes we just really wish you were here with us. It’s hard not to wonder why other people have babies and we were blessed with an angel.
That probably seems silly to you when you can look at where we are compared to Heaven. Why would we want you here instead? Don’t get me wrong, we are so thankful to know that you are waiting for us there. But we are stuck here for a while and we just know that the joy you bring to us would be even more if we could just hold you, smell you, feed you, kiss you, sing to you, dress you, watch you sleep, and see your brother and sister fall in love with you even more than they already have.
It’s just really hard living here without you. I am so glad though that you don’t know these feelings. I am so thankful that all you have ever known is safety, peace, love, warmth, and pure happiness. I often just wish we could all be there with you instead of here. This place really stinks sometimes.
But I know that our jobs here are important for as long as we are here. I know that we have to continue to tell your story and to share God’s love with everyone around us. I know that we have to continue to raise Toby and Lilly to know Our Heavenly Father so that they will get to be with you again someday. I know that we have to continue to live while we are here so that someday we can truly live with you there.
It feels like I am in limbo between Heaven and earth. Like my heart and mind are there with you but the rest of me is still here. It has felt like every day that I live without you takes me so much further away from the days that I felt you within me. I just recently came to realize though that everyday I live without you here is actually moving me another day closer to the day that I see you again. I live for that day, sweetheart. Won’t that be awesome!?!? Although I’m not sure how seeing me will compare to the day you met Jesus and Mary! ;) And your older siblings, do you know them too? I wonder if you have met Caleb, Samuel, and Ezra too. I bet you know them all since our families are all connected now, because of our angels.
Baby girl, I pray that you know how much I love you. How much we all love you. And how thankful we are for your short little life that has made such a big impression on so many hearts. Please stay close to us and help us to always keep our focus on getting to Heaven. Please help Toby and Lilly to stand strong in their faith and to always remember how much God loves them. Please be with us as we continue to figure out how to live here without you.
I love you, Sophia.
Love,
Mommy
—- Remembering —-
Go ahead and mention my child,
The one that died, you know.
Don’t worry about hurting me further.
The depth of my pain doesn’t show.
Don’t worry about making me cry.
I’m already crying inside.
Help me to heal by releasing the tears that I try to hide.
I’m hurt when you just keep silent,
Pretending she didn’t exist.
I’d rather you mention my child,
Knowing that she has been missed.
You asked me how I was doing.
I say “pretty good” or “fine”.
But healing is something ongoing
I feel it will take a lifetime.
~ Elizabeth Dent ~
~Maria
It’s that time of year again! Homeschool Conference time is upon us once again and I know my fellow homeschooling moms and dads are looking forward to the many, many benefits of attending a conference as much as I am. With The NICHE Conference and Homeschool Exhibit Hall just 2 weeks away, I would like to personally encourage you to attend. If you are currently homeschooling, thinking about it, planning too, or just curious of what it’s all about, this is a great opportunity for you.
I have compiled a list of feedback from some of my homeschooling friends and included some of my own reasons to present to you the
Top Ten Reasons why YOU Should go to the NICHE Conference:
{NICHE stands for Network of Iowa Christian Home Educators}
10. It’s FUN:
What’s not to love about hanging out with great friends(and meeting new ones!), learning and talking about how to better educate your children?
9. Children’s Program:
If it’s hard to find a sitter for you and your spouse to attend, don’t worry, they’ve taken care of that too. Children ages 5-12 can spend the weekend with other kids at the Children’s Program.
8. Opportunity to network:
What a great way to meet other like-minded families that can help you enhance your children’s education opportunities and to support you as their parent and teacher.
7. Teacher License Renewal Credit:
If you need credit to update your teaching license in the state of Iowa you can take care of that while attending the NICHE Conference. They are offering the Heartland AEA Professional Development Activity for Teacher License Renewal Credit again this year and having taken advantage of that myself, it is a great way to knock that out while also benefiting from the conference.
6. Encouragement:
There is something about being surrounded by thousands of other homeschooling parents/families that is so encouraging on this journey. We are not in this alone and there is so much encouragement and support available for us.
5. Informative Workshops:
Get the details on programs and curriculum that are available before you purchase anything. Or learn about things you were not aware of and would like to explore. Learn more about Iowa Homeschool Law, homeschooling special needs children, programs like Classical Conversations, Institute for Excellence in Writing, and MathUSee, learn how to get started homeschooling, create high school transcripts, or even how to prep high school kids for ACT tests. Something for everyone!
4. Time to recharge and set goals:
Finishing up this school year and looking ahead to next, this is a wonderful chance to recharge our batteries, re-prioritize, renew our sense of purpose, and make plans/set goals for the future. Everything you can imagine needing in order to do that can be found here.
3. Curriculum:
The largest homeschool exhibit hall in the state of Iowa. See it, touch it, read it, ask questions about it, all before you buy it! Or bring your list along and purchase there for discounts and to save on shipping.
2. Used Curriculum Sale:
Not surprisingly, the used curriculum sale is back by popular demand! With conference registration you also get 2 hours on Thursday, May 16th, from 4:00-6:00pm to browse used curriculum-an awesome way to save some serious cash.
1. Fellowship:
Being surrounded by thousands of other homeschooling parents that value the importance of God and family is an amazing feeling. Knowing that we are not alone on this journey and that there is so much support available is a refreshing feeling that never ceases to amaze me.
The NICHE Conference and Homeschool Exhibit Hall will be
at the Iowa Events Center,
May 16-19, 2013.
For more information or to register, check out the NICHE website or LIKE them on Facebook.
~Maria
~1~
Around here we anxiously wait for the most important holiday of the year. You know, the one when we celebrate the fact that God became man, let us physically torture and kill him, all so he could conquer death and rise again so that we would know that he is all powerful, can destroy even death, and that in Him all things are possible? Better known as the one with chocolate bunnies, plastic eggs, baskets full of stuff, and too much food. Oh, how far we have strayed.
~2~
In an attempt to stay focused this holy week, we have countdown chains, “journey through lent” color pages, resurrection eggs, adoration, prayer, mass, and……
~3~
…unleavened bread. Sadly we had to load it up with cinnamon, sugar and cream cheese frosting to eat it.
 
~4~
And more Easter art by Lilly-our in-house artist:
~5~
Thanks to the wonderful people at Snapfish, I am no longer a total scrapbooking-mom has-been. For the past few years I just wait around until I get a deal like this buy 1 digital scrapbook get 2 free and I am able to stay on top of the memory preservation game. I am so hooked. Not only do I spend SO much less than I did when I did traditional scrapbooking, but the books are so much smaller that I can actually keep them on display to enjoy them too! Extra bonus is that with my abundance of old scrapbook supplies, we won’t run out of paper and stickers for the kids to make cards with for a long time!
2 FREE 20-page 8×11 Classic Cover Photo Books when you buy 1
~6~
In light of the recent explosion of division on Facebook(a microcosm of society), I am cleaning house in terms of the “friends” I have acquired there. Not because I don’t respect their opinions, simply because reading Facebook depresses me. I have come to realize that if I wouldn’t hang out with someone in person, then I sure as heck don’t need to know what they are doing at random times throughout the day, let alone that I need to be slapped in the face with ignorance, anger, and people who give their own intelligence WAY too much credit every time I open the page.
I found a great little trick to hide people from my newsfeed so that instead of getting annoyed every time I look at Facebook, I can see what’s going on with people that I actually care to know about. I suppose I could just “unfriend” people too or just delete my entire Facebook page but that may be a bit aggressive….for now anyway.
Heck, I am starting to actually like Facebook now!
Here are a few of my favorites this week though, as if you wondered what my thoughts are on the subject:
 
So you don’t have to look it up:
“Do you think that I have come to give peace on earth? No, I tell you, but rather division. For from now on in one house there will be five divided, three against two and two against three. They will be divided, father against son and son against father, mother against daughter and daughter against mother, mother-in-law against her daughter-in-law and daughter-in-law against mother-in-law.” Luke 12:51-53
Because you either get it or you don’t.
~7~
To end on a happy note….
Earlier this week we found this sweet little anonymous note on the windshield of our van when we were out running errands:
Now that did my heart good. Never underestimate the power of words like that or taking the time to say something so kind. Made my month.
~Maria
My dear husband and I recently found ourselves with a whole evening of time out for a date. Just the two of us. We had a nice dinner, which cost us $3 after a gift card from friends, then walked around a big local mall(a place that we RARELY spend time in). While we walked I was amazed by the amount of money being spent around us. I thought of how much it must have cost for one small family to each be carrying bags of their newly purchased goodies. As we chatted about the fact that there was not only nothing we could really afford to buy there, there was also nothing we needed, it hit us. The sacrifices we have made in order for me to be home, fulfilling my vocation as a stay-at-home mom/homeschool teacher are pretty major–depending on how you look at it.
If our kids were in school all day, I would likely be working at least part-time and the amount of income we would bring in would be over and above what we really need to live on. We learned to live on one income long ago and have never known any different. We never allowed ourselves to grow into needing 2 incomes just to survive. Stretching our income is all we have ever known.
Things we do without so that we can homeschool:
::a second income.
::owning a truck.
::buying a camper, ATV, and other toys.
::fancy(sometimes any kind of) vacations.
::new clothes.
::new anything really.
::extra activities for the kids.
::a bigger tractor.
::a pool.
::home renovations.
::alone time.
::shopping at the mall.
::extra spending money.
Things we have gained by homeschooling our kids:
::LOTS of snuggle time.
::endless hours spent together.
::time to volunteer in the community and our church.
::exposure to many, many, great books read together.
::mid-week field trips.
::mid-week/mid-day grocery shopping!
::a closer relationship with Christ.
::daily devotion and bible time.
::close family relationships.
::more time to PLAY.
::learning and re-learning things we missed the first time around when we were kids.
::naps when needed.
::kids holding onto their childhood innocence.
::time to visit grandparents just for fun-in the middle of the day.
::3 meals/day together.
::witnessing a love for learning grow and blossom every day.
::seeing the world through the eyes of children.
I could go on on with this list and add to it nearly every day.
When it really comes down to it, the things we “sacrifice” for me to be home to teach the kids everyday, are really not sacrifices at all.
Just as the things we have gained are absolutely priceless.
~Maria
I have a confession to make….
Before we had kids, I used to try to talk people out of homeschooling. I used to think it was weird and those poor kids would never be able to make friends and have experiences that “normal” kids do. I used to think that no matter how smart the kids might seem, they had to have some serious social issues after being around their parents that much.
I even got my teaching degree so that I could make a difference to the kids I would someday teach. So I could change the world! I figured if I taught I would be able to at least spend the summers with my own kids someday. I assumed that sending our kids to school was the natural thing to do. I figured that even though I didn’t love school, and I absolutely hated riding the bus, our kids would just have to figure it out the same way I did.
Many years later, with my eyes wide open, I ate my words.
Now I seem to meet more and more people nearly every time I turn around that ask my advice on homeschooling or express that they too are considering taking the leap.
My first response is always, “Pray about it.” But my second is usually, “Do some research.”
Doing both, in that order, is what led us to this lifestyle, and I don’t regret it for a second. I can’t imagine doing anything else.
My only regret is that it took me so long to open my mind and heart to it, and that I potentially may have discouraged other families from trying it, because of my own ignorance.
I am constantly impressed with the increasing number of studies being done and articles being written proving the success of homeschooling, which seems to be sweeping the nation. It is so refreshing to see major news sources writing about homeschooling and confirming what I already know to be true, because I have seen it with my own eyes.
If you are discerning whether it’s right for your family, here is some more food for thought:
Washington Times: HOME-SCHOOLING: Ouststanding results on national tests
US News: Homeschooled Teens Ripe for College
USA Today: Home-schooling demographics change, expand
New York Times: Homeschooling index
Homeschoolers and Standardized Testing
Doing the math behind homeschooling
Stanford University News: In a class by themselves
And on socialization:
Washington Times: HOME-SCHOOLING: Socialization not a problem
Homeschool news link
This is far from an exhaustive list, just a handful of my favorites.
When I finally opened my mind and heart to the possibility of spending nearly every hour of every day with our children, my extremely patient husband simply replied, “It’s about time.” He continues to reaffirm for me often that I am in fact not only making a difference to the students that I teach but that I am making a difference to the children that God entrusted to us to raise for Him and that the difference it has made for our family is more than worth it.
~Maria
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Our Heavenly Homestead follows our family’s journey to slow down, simplify, live a more sustainable life, be debt free, and most importantly — learn and grow together.
We cook from scratch, hang our laundry, pay cash as much as possible, keep bees, raise chickens, garden, home school and so much more. We don't mind a little hard work and dirt under the nails if it brings us closer to God and each other.
We don't claim to be experts. We're just an average mid-western family striving to live a simple life. Our first priority is to always love and serve our Lord and to honor Him in our daily actions.
To learn more, check out the About Us page.
The difficulty in explaining 'why I am a Catholic' is that there are ten thousand reasons all amounting to one reason: that Catholicism is true.
-GK Chesterton
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