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One week

Somehow a week has gone by already.  The feelings come in waves.  I keep trying to ride the waves and not let the current pull me under.  Sometimes it just hurts so much.  Physically I have so many reminders of all that has happened that when my mind goes back to being numb and unsure if it is real the physical pain and discomfort remind me that it is indeed very real.  I continue to cramp and bleed.  I welcome the pain because I know that I am suffering and she is not.  My milk came in and the engorgement is almost more than I can bear at times but I dread the day when I dry up.  I was so looking forward to nursing again.  I fear the day that I feel better physically because it will mean that life is going on, without her.  I miss her so much.  I feel like I knew her and bonded with her in so many ways even though we barely met.  She is such a part of me.  I just long to feel her move again.

I could never imagine this happening, and even though it IS happening, I still can’t imagine.  When I close my eyes I can still feel her birth.  Even with the epidural I felt it all and I am so thankful.  I never want to forget that feeling.

This morning Toby woke up with a tummy ache and I had been laying there coming awake with the feeling that she was there with us.  I had an overwhelming urge to ask Toby to be quiet and not wake the baby.  Then the sucker punch hit me and nearly took my breath away.

We feel her presence and His loving arms wrapped around us and find comfort in knowing that she has our Mother Mary, the mother of all mothers, until I get there to hold her again.  I stopped at “Sophia’s Place”(her grave site) tonight and happened to be there as the sun set at 8:54pm exactly one week from the time of her birth.  A beautiful pink sunset to celebrate her first week in heaven.  On my way home from the cemetery I could see the outline of her beautiful face in the pink clouds.  I know she was telling me it was going to be alright.  I know it will.  But it just hurts so much.

This morning we prayed together before Mark went to run into work.  Lilly prayed that Sophia would shine her light down from heaven today to say ‘hi’ to her.  Mark left literally a few minutes later and sent this picture from just up the street.  She is doing what she can to ease the pain that her big brother and sister are feeling.  I wish I could do more.  Time will heal.  We will continue to put one foot in front of the other and do the next thing that feels right.  Establishing a new normal, without Sophia.  Lord help us.

3 Comments


  1. //

    I know the pain, and as I read this it all comes back to me. I’m so sorry you have to go through this. Keep clinging to the Truth, even when you feel you can’t hold on anymore…thankfully He will never let go. The reunion will one day be beautiful in heaven- how I long for that day! I will continue to lift each of you up in prayer. It is no easy thing for the children to go through either. Love & hugs.


  2. //

    Oh Honey we do feel it with you!!! May the days go by & the healing be there. Please if Grandpa & I can do anything let us help. We Love you all so much. Grandma & Grandpa


  3. //

    my sweet, dear childhood friends…..i know. i know i know. i know you look at the activity of the world around you….people driving up and down the streets, people shopping, kids playing in the park….and a part of you feels appalled that the rest of the world has not stopped to mourn and recognize the dreamlike hazy emptiness you both are feeling. you feel like the world has been robbed and cheated of a greatness…and that you feel slighted because you had to squeeze a lifetime of love into a small amount of time. it feels like a horrible dream that you cant wake up from. no…time does not always heal things and the scars stay behind…and there will be times three or four years down the road where you will hear someone in a store calling their child’s name, which was the same name as your baby…and the crying will be unstoppable again. no words help right now….but i got through it one day at a time, by committing myself to the pain, the crying and feeling the loss entirely instead of trying to be strong or deny it. i also wrapped my arms around my husband and child to feel the love and support that was unconditional. she lived inside of you….and now she still will live inside of you. my love, light, hope, and peace are being sent to you….and the knowledge that God himself sings and rocks her to sleep for you. Again, if there is anything ever I can do to avail myself to you and your family…do not hesitate to ask. I will always be readily available

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