Somehow a week has gone by already. The feelings come in waves. I keep trying to ride the waves and not let the current pull me under. Sometimes it just hurts so much. Physically I have so many reminders of all that has happened that when my mind goes back to being numb and unsure if it is real the physical pain and discomfort remind me that it is indeed very real. I continue to cramp and bleed. I welcome the pain because I know that I am suffering and she is not. My milk came in and the engorgement is almost more than I can bear at times but I dread the day when I dry up. I was so looking forward to nursing again. I fear the day that I feel better physically because it will mean that life is going on, without her. I miss her so much. I feel like I knew her and bonded with her in so many ways even though we barely met. She is such a part of me. I just long to feel her move again.
I could never imagine this happening, and even though it IS happening, I still can’t imagine. When I close my eyes I can still feel her birth. Even with the epidural I felt it all and I am so thankful. I never want to forget that feeling.
This morning Toby woke up with a tummy ache and I had been laying there coming awake with the feeling that she was there with us. I had an overwhelming urge to ask Toby to be quiet and not wake the baby. Then the sucker punch hit me and nearly took my breath away.
We feel her presence and His loving arms wrapped around us and find comfort in knowing that she has our Mother Mary, the mother of all mothers, until I get there to hold her again. I stopped at “Sophia’s Place”(her grave site) tonight and happened to be there as the sun set at 8:54pm exactly one week from the time of her birth. A beautiful pink sunset to celebrate her first week in heaven. On my way home from the cemetery I could see the outline of her beautiful face in the pink clouds. I know she was telling me it was going to be alright. I know it will. But it just hurts so much.
This morning we prayed together before Mark went to run into work. Lilly prayed that Sophia would shine her light down from heaven today to say ‘hi’ to her. Mark left literally a few minutes later and sent this picture from just up the street. She is doing what she can to ease the pain that her big brother and sister are feeling. I wish I could do more. Time will heal. We will continue to put one foot in front of the other and do the next thing that feels right. Establishing a new normal, without Sophia. Lord help us.