Running on empty

I’m sure at some point I will get back to posting about our homestead happenings but for now this is a safe place for me to store my thoughts and feelings about here and now.  Writing is therapy for me.  I have been journaling every memory I can throughout this whole experience.  So much to write that my hand cramps.  I just don’t want to forget a single detail.  I plan to write “Sophia’s Story” in full someday.  Maybe it will just be in a digital scrapbook for us to treasure.  Maybe I’ll actually write something that can help someone else.  Time will tell.

Looking back, we truly believe that God has been preparing us for this whole experience for a very long time.  When we were going through certain things or new people were put into our lives we didn’t realize it at the time but now we can see clearly that it was all for this purpose.  We wonder what we are being prepared for now.  We have already seen the affect that Sophia’s short life has had on so many people.  She was put here for so many reasons.  She has already righted so many wrongs, healed broken hearts and relationships, brought people closer to God, and made many people question and seek out their own faith.  We are so thankful for that.  We pray that those things continue to happen and that through all of this, more people are drawn closer to our Lord with us.  What a wonderful gift that would be, from our baby girl.

Today Mark went back to work.  I don’t think I’ve ever felt so alone.  The kids are here and keeping me busy physically, but mentally I am drained.  I know life has to go on and Mark has to work.  I just want to scream because the world keeps turning and things are going on around me but I feel stuck.  I am starting to sleep again most nights but getting out of bed in the morning takes some serious work.  I would much rather stay there and sleep, hoping to wake up from this awful dream.

Last night I took Lilly out with 2 of my sisters and 3 nieces.  We went out for a nice dinner and all went and had our nails done.  Lilly loved every minute of it.  I experienced another first.  The lady doing my nails asked how many kids I have.  I was so thankful that all the other girls were done by then and went next door to get some frozen yogurt while they waited for me to get done.  I stuttered and stammered and then just cried.  I think I said something about having 2 living kids and having just lost an angel.  The poor girl cried too and told me about how she almost lost her son at 5 months.  She was trying to relate and share something to let me know that she could feel some of my pain.  Then she said something about God giving me another baby someday.  As if He will somehow replace her.  How do you replace something so perfect already?  I can’t imagine.

The tears come so easily still.  A song, a smell, a thought, so many triggers.  My arms literally ache to hold her.

Little things like finding clothes to wear for the day are so difficult.  My body went from 6 months pregnant in maternity clothes to an empty womb with 15 extra pounds covering it.  I feel so self-conscious about how I look right now.  Worried that people will ask if I’m pregnant.  Will I scream or cry, or want to punch them?  At the same time I have a need to feel pretty, to wear pink, to be “girly” as I’ve never been before.  For Sophia.  I want to put a flower in my hair and help Lilly feel beautiful because I will never get to do those things for Sophia.

We continue to get cards, messages, texts, phone calls and appreciate them all.  I fear the day that all of those stop.  I know they will and I dread that day.  I know that everyone else will go back to their life as usual and we will be left trying to piece it all together still.  Talking about her makes her seem more alive.  I love when people ask to hear the whole story because I relive it in my mind so often that it is good to say it out loud.

On a positive note, Mark and I both feel like we are seeing life through a whole new lens.  We are taking more time to just enjoy being together and with the kids.  I love taking time to comb Lilly’s hair, snuggle and read with them, listen to Toby’s endless stories of his Lego creations and so many little things that we would often tend to take for granted.  We realize in a new way that life is fleeting.  I just want them to know how much I adore them and appreciate who they are.  It makes me sad to see how they have both had to grow up so quickly.  I think they have both aged 10 years in the past 2 weeks.  Actually we all have.  I am so proud of them though.  I know they feel the same emotions we do and that none of us has any control over when we will be hit by another wave.  We have all grown so much closer through all of this.  The silver lining.  Lilly will sit down at random times through the day and draw a picture or write a note to Sophia.  Toby will sometimes get angry and not understand why.  Then he realizes that he’s just sad.  Mark & I just fall on our knees in desperate prayer when we can’t stand any more.  We all have our own way of riding the waves.  Sometimes by ourselves, often together.

But the good continues to flow from the pain.  The other day Mark was going to leave to run and errand and I told him I love him.  He said, “You know, for the first time in 21 years I think we both actually really do know how much we love each other.”  He is so right.  My cup overflows.

1 Comment

  1. //

    What beautiful words! She has truly touched the lives of so many. I am blessed to have all of you in my life. You have taught me so much about strength and courage.

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