Overall I think I am doing OK most days, but sometimes, sometimes…
::I want to stay in bed and not have any responsibilities all day.
::I want to cry, a lot. Ugly cry. You know the kind.
::I just want to freak out at other parents when their bad parenting choices are really obvious because I wonder what goes on that I don’t see.
::I want to drink all the foo-foo coffee I can find and not think twice about the doctor’s concern with my blood pressure.
::I want to stomp my feet and raise my fists and cry out, “WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY?”
::I want to ask some people why they act so inconvenienced to have children.
::I want to lock my door and hide and pretend that the world we live in isn’t becoming more evil every day.
::I want to say what I really think.
::I really want to eat a big, fancy, rich dessert with no regret.
::I want to explain to people that being personally responsible for your choices is not really that difficult…unless you make a bad choice. But even still, it was your choice to make and you did, now deal with it.
::I don’t want to do laundry or cook dinner.
::I just want to sit and collect my thoughts for more than 5.2 seconds at a time or even just complete a single thought all at one time without being interrupted!
::I feel like fighting the good fight is nearly impossible.
::I don’t want to see the grass sprouting on her place, because it reminds me that my time with her keeps getting farther away.
::I just get sick of ignorance and selfishness.
::I don’t want to know what suffering feels like.
::I just want to hold my baby girl and feel her living and breathing in my arms.
::I just feel tired of it all.
Sometimes it’s just really hard to try to be a good person.
Sometimes it is not easy being a Christian. I would venture to say that some days it is even harder being a Catholic Christian in today’s world. But then I think, is it any harder today than it was 2000 years ago when Jesus himself walked the earth?
I would imagine Jesus had days like this, days when He felt like He was banging His head against the wall trying to teach people the truth.
I would imagine Jesus had days when He was sick and tired of people questioning who He is or who His Father is or if they were real.
I imagine maybe He wanted to kick himself for giving us free will only to see us slap Him in the face with the choices we make because of it.
I am pretty sure He didn’t WANT to endure torture, be forced to carry His cross, and even die hanging from it.
But He did…. for us. For you, for me, for all of us. Even for the ones that didn’t and don’t believe in Him yet. Even for the ones who were against Him. All of us.
I would also imagine that the awesome number of saints who were willing to endure horrendous torture and unthinkable deaths because they would not deny their belief in Christ and his teachings probably didn’t really WANT to go through all that. Wouldn’t it have been easier to just say, “Well, we don’t really know if all that is true”?
But when you know with all of your heart and soul that there is more to this life, that this is only a snippet of eternity, that He is real, He did die for you, He DOES love you……you do choose differently. You choose the hard road. You choose the one that hurts sometimes. You choose the one that looks different from most people around you. You choose the one that may cost you your life here on earth.
But you also choose the one that has hope. The one that has promise. The one that gives you a purpose.
And choosing that road helps me to get over moments like these and choose a better way. Because I can let it all overcome me and pull me down into the muck, or I can choose to hold onto something better.
As He went through the ultimate for us, he said, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.” Luke 23: 34
I wish that I could be that strong and see others the way He does. But I am just a human. That doesn’t mean I won’t keep trying though.
I just thank God He did it for me and continues to give me the strength to carry on. Because I know that I am not strong enough to do it alone.