~ 1 ~
Ba-humbug. I am not enjoying this season, at all. It is usually a struggle this time of year because of the stress and hours that Mark takes on at work. The combination of the stress and work he feels carries over to me because I worry about him. And it’s lonely around here without him. Plus I don’t exactly feel much like celebrating this year. I am looking forward to slowing down in January, sitting by the fire with my loves, and the quiet activities of winter. It might help if it would actually FEEL like winter around here!
That’s me, the slacker. I feel bad that I haven’t done much for Advent this year myself or with the kids. Sure, we are reading the Advent Book and threw together a little paper chain of activities to do along the way. But spiritually/prayfully, I am in the desert. Hey, we did make a foam nativity scene the other night though!
I miss coffee. I just finished, like today, a 10 day herbal cleanse. I am very pleased with the results of 8 pounds lost and an inch or two here and there. But cutting coffee was one of the rules. I did it. I cheated a bit and had some chai tea and it was a great substitute, except for the calories. I realized that I don’t want coffee for the caffeine, it’s totally a taste thing. Warm, creamy, sweet, gets me every.single.time. But if I can go 10 days without it I can surely cut back. My body and skin have already thanked me.
I am going to a new doctor(Vitae Family Care) and cannot begin to say how wonderful it feels to be there. I couldn’t imagine going back to my old doctors, that office, no thanks. But I also want to find out what is going on with my body, hormonally, etc. This doctor is an NFP only doctor, small office, amazing people, wonderful atmosphere, AND not a single birth control ad or mention of it, ever. The rooms are named after saints, the reading material is all from a Christian/Catholic source, they pray to start their day, the natural wonders of God’s creation in the human body are not only respected and understood, but celebrated and appreciated! Amen. As if that wasn’t exciting enough, he’s a family doctor and OB so the whole family can go there.
“Sorrow looks back, Worry looks around, Faith looks up” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
I worry that people are forgetting about Sophia. I worry that they wouldn’t understand how much I still hurt. I worry that we won’t get very many notes for her stocking, that maybe not that many people were touched by her life after all. I do so love and appreciate that many people continue to speak of her and find special ways to keep her memory alive.
Good -night now. By the end of the day, or 7:00pm, I have pretty much had it. It’s been dark for hours, I’ve been up since before the sun, I’ve been “on call” all day long, my brain function begins to slow. This working out thing is great, but the waking up at 5:00a.m. is for the birds, literally. I am not getting enough sleep. Thankfully the kids are doing great with quiet time after lunch and I can sneak in some power naps.
I miss our baby. Really, really, really, miss her. It seems weird to miss someone you never really got to actually do anything with. But I miss holding her. I miss getting to dress her and hear her cry. I miss feeding her. I miss rocking her. I miss seeing Lilly and Toby croon over their baby sister. I miss holding her to my chest. I wonder what she would look like now, if she were born in October and only 2 months old. Even though we missed out on all those things, I miss her as if I got to do them. Sometimes it still doesn’t seem like it actually happened. But then I look at her pictures. It did. She was and isn’t anymore.