Clinging in the Pit
If you are not new to loss, talk a bit about early grief. What was it like, clinging for hope in the pits of despair? What did you cling to for hope? How did you survive the early days? What helped? What do you wish you could share with someone new to this walk, clinging in the pit? If you’re in the pit, currently, share your struggles. What can others do to encourage you?
Looking back at the first few days after we found out Sophia’s heart had stopped beating, I still don’t know how I was coherent and able to simply live. I am certain that our merciful God, our friends, and family did it all for us. “Just do the next thing” became and continues to be my new mantra. For a long time, some days still, it was extremely difficult just to get out of bed, to get dressed, to eat, to think a whole thought at one time, to make some of the most basic choices. Things we normally do without any thought, became hard work. Back in those early days I couldn’t fathom making the decisions we had to make, talking about the things we had to talk about with our kids, doing what we had to do. Now that I know we can do those hard things, nothing seems impossible.
I’m not sure I have anything to share with someone new to this walk other than to just “do the next thing.”
I would say that most days I am still in the middle of the pit mentally, even though physically I can usually make it look like I’m not. My mind is always there. I am always internally crying out to God to help me do the next thing and persevere. We are still experiencing all the “firsts” of this first year without her and each experience is deeply painful but also bringing us closer to the healing.
Several people have asked me what they can do to help or if there is anything we need and I can’t always figure out just how to respond when I’m on the spot. I can’t speak for every women in a similar situation but now that I have had time to think it through a bit I would offer this:
*Continue to call, email, text, send a note, to let me know that you thought of us or missed our baby. As more time passes, less of those things happen. They are SO uplifting and kind and really do make a difference. Just being there for us is really so very helpful.
*Even if you think it is insignificant to just let us know that you are praying for us, do it anyway, it’s very significant to us.
*Cut me some slack. I don’t like the thought of grief being an excuse for anything but I am realizing that it truly is the root cause of a lot things I experience in my day to day life now. I am more forgetful than ever, I repeat myself way too much, I speak my mind way too frequently, I get lost in mid-sentence, I have trouble keeping track of things. I hope and pray that these things get better with time, but if you catch me in the midst of something like this, please be kind but feel free to bring it to my attention.
*Deep in my heart, I pray that someone, even just one person, will come to believe in God, will grow closer to Him, or will join the Church, because of Sophia. I have a good feeling that one of those things will happen and I can’t wait to hear about it!
We are so deeply blessed with an amazing support system of family, lots of friends, our church family, and people we continue to meet along this journey. If you are a part of that group, thank you, from the depths of my heart. You will probably never know how much we appreciate each and every one of you.