Finding Hope and Healing (With or Without a Rainbow)
For this post, we will share our experiences with longing for another baby to fill our empty arms. Some experienced a subsequent pregnancy after loss. Some may be fearful of embarking on that journey again. Some may not be able to have another child, whether due to infertility or other reasons. Some may have found that having another baby, however precious a gift, was not the key to healing the grief.
Can you experience hope and healing…even if there is no rainbow after the storm?
Whew. This topic is heavy on my heart right now.
On the one hand, I long for a baby. I want the kids to experience a living, breathing, crying, sweet, lovable, hug-gable baby in our home, in our family. One they can hold and play with and that can give them a sense of relief from missing the one we didn’t get to bring home. I also feel a sense of urgency for that to happen because of my age and the age gap that continues to grow between the kids and any baby that may come.
On the other hand, I dread going through another pregnancy. I struggled physically with pain and morning sickness and that part just plain stinks. I dread the fear, the anxiety, the worry, that I know will force it’s way into another pregnancy. It just doesn’t seem fair to have gone through so many weeks and months of that part to be robbed of the beautiful payoff in the end that always makes it completely worth it.
Part of my struggle right now is the constant feeling that I should be taking care of an infant. We should have a baby in our family right now. Our life should be much different. It is certainly different, just not the way we thought it would be. There is a gaping hole in our day to day life. A hole that should be filled with a baby.
Having been through infertility I have never felt the naive, easy, pregnancy that I see so many people have. But just the same, I do remember the feelings of being pregnant that were somewhat innocent. The silly thoughts of what the baby would be and the little details that I worried about before are so ridiculous to me now. If I get pregnant again it won’t be a matter of caring about whether it’s a boy or girl, or whether we have every little thing we’ll need once baby gets here.
It will simply be a hope that the baby will LIVE.
We are always open to life. We would love to have a rainbow baby. But, we are also willing to accept whatever God thinks is best for us. Either way, we will be OK. We will continue to heal. We will find a way to share the extra love that we still have to give.
We will always have hope, rainbow baby or not, that we will be reunited with our sweet Sophia again someday. Even the kids know and talk about how it’s not a matter of if, but just a question of when?
But the grief, the heartache, the sorrow, will always be there. Unfortunately, no other baby or anything in this world can ever change that.