Trudging along

Distracting myself with writing about other topics here has been a welcome break lately.  Not that I really need to be distracted though, that comes pretty naturally anymore.  Multi-tasking is kicking my behind most days.  But I keep trudging along; living, breathing, eating, sleeping, teaching, loving, praying, hugging, crying, talking, reading, rinse and repeat.

I realized something recently when I found myself unexpectedly grumpy, emotional, angry, and just plain out of sorts.  My body seems to notice something and react before my mind even has a chance to catch on.  This particular time it was a Friday night.  I had Sophia on a Friday night.  Sometimes it’s the 13th-her due date, the 5th-the day we couldn’t hear her heart beat, the 6th-the day she was born into this world, the 10th-the day we buried her.  It’s always something. 

Once I realize the “why?”, I have to try to do something to let it out.  That night I was able to slip away by myself for some time at her place.  It doesn’t always work out that way though.  Sometimes I just need to hide.  Or sit and read through all of the cards, look at the pictures, hold the plaster molds of her tiny little foot and hand, smell her blanket….  Sometimes I just have to let myself go there again, if only in my mind, to make sure that it really did happen.

She really isn’t just a figment of my imagination.

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This grief thing is a tricky one.  Just when I think I’m doing pretty well and have a good hold on my emotions, a new wave completely sweeps over me and engulfs my every last breath.  It can be suffocating, even when I do see it coming.

I am having trouble wrapping my brain around the fact that it has been 8 months and 21 days already.  In 3 1/2 months it will have been a year already.  How can it be that we are closer to the one year anniversary of her birth/death than we are to the actual day?  It feels like just yesterday.

We have been getting some answers about why my body has trouble sustaining pregnancies.  Not any real answers as to why Sophia died, but some good ideas about potential causes.  In finding out what we have, we have been struck by the fact that the two children we have been blessed with are complete and total miracles.  The odds were not with them to make it either.

I don’t know why we were entrusted with these two but I have a feeling that God has great things in mind for them.  Seeing how full of love and compassion they are already, maybe their purpose, for now anyway, is to help me hold onto hope, and to remind me that with Him ALL things are possible, and that to love and be loved really is what it’s all about.

“We know that in everything God works for good with those who love him, who are called according to his purpose.” Romans 8 :28

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{Lilly is all about hiding love notes for each of us in funny little places that she knows we’ll find them!  Love that girl!}

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